Regret Regret Regret

OMG. I wonder if I'm only the person who's done things that are so insanely thoughtless and stupid, that I wish I could erase that time pd from my memory.

Can guilt make someone ill? Or that is that my hangover from one appletini?
Either way, weekend away was pleasant-ish.. and I really wish I could take back 5 yrs ago.

Guilt and embarrassment is totally making me sick @ 2.30am.

ugh.

Glen Hansard

His music is so good, it hurts. You have to hear this.

Made me laugh

Metropolitan Diary - NYTIMES

DEAR DIARY,

As I was riding the Q recently to meet a friend, I idly pulled my ponytail out and ran my fingers through my hair.

A man behind me leaned around and said, “Your hair looks just fine. It looks good.”

I laughed and said, “Thank you; your hair looks good, too.”

We chatted a bit and he eventually asked me very politely, “Are you married?” I said no.

“How is that? A fine lady like you?”

“It just happens that way sometimes.”

“No man got lucky enough, huh?” I laughed again.

“So would I be able to get hold of you?” He had been polite, so I politely answered, “I’m not interested in being gotten hold of just now.”

“You’re not interested in a relationship at this point in your life?”

“Nope.”

He seemed to understand and turned back around.

After a minute he turned to me again: “Well, can I have a dollar?”Kim Hewitt

baaad bookmooch

Finding myself having an awful sense of humor, I did not find The Virgin Suicides as entertaining as everyone made it out to be.

I found it certifiably depressing (shocker) and haunting. And a little moronic - added bonus.

Current mood: Depressed. yuck

Happy Hut- Holiday

Yehudiya

Over the course of my life, I've met two pp whose non-cynical views on religion have made a (thus far) lasting impression on me.

It's tough sometimes, being lazy and all, not wanting to pick up a siddur and daven, not knowing whether there's someone, something on the other side.

It's true I've never really thought of myself as having an issue with belief, but then i started hanging out with this one asshole who questioned everything.

He's an average ex-yeshiva kid, stopped wearing the black hat post-hs, working in accounting, and he's young. Which most definitely accounts for his devil no care, cynical, daniel? downer view on religion. He's questioned everything I believe in regarding religion, and I can no longer say I have complete Emunah. And trying to turn the clock backwards is proving to be a struggle.

Over vacation this year, in a totally non-spiritually conducive local, I spoke with this great, great kid, who's every other word, was b"h. Complete 180 from Mr. cynical.

"I'm in school now, b"h, I'm here with my family, b"h, I"m going to Israel to join a combat unit, b"H"

So Lost, obviously being intrigued by this (ridiculously good looking) really religious fellow, starting shmoozing with the antithesis of cynical. He loooves Yiddishkeit. He wants to learn for the rest of his life. Everything he does is for G-d. Eating, sleeping, working out, going to the army.

I thought he was totally loony.
"Mr. Gorgeous Jew, you know most pp I know, and our age especially, are either completely cynical when it comes to religion, or apathetic."

"I know, they don't see how beautiful the Torah is, and how beautiful Yiddishkeit is."

Oy. When I'm looking for Mr. MO, middle of the road religious, I find him instead.

Never really got to speak to him, and ask him all the questions I would've wanted to, either way I think speaking to him would be a bad idea. I'm too negative and cynical to be around sunny pp like him.

Inspiration #2 is in the form of a neighbor, him and his wife are baal teshuvot and friends of my parents for a couple of years now.
When we walk home from Shul, he's always hocking about the gadlus of nature, how I should get married, how the Shabbos should be sanctified.

Everyone just smiles, mumbles under their breath incoherently... baal tshuvot.

This past shabbos, he started talking about Emunah, and I started walking faster towards home,... "LOOST, Emunah is the cornerstone of the world, you have to take a step back when you're davening and think about how you're praying before the creator of the universe, the artist of our world."

"Mr. Neighbor, what would say to one who is a cynic, who doesn't believe there is a gd? Who doesn't trust in a gd?"

"That's what Gateways is about, lost."

And I'm off.

Honesty Box

new application on facebook has founded a revelation.

I have a frail personality.

wtf?

Well of course, but it's that obvious?

Darn. Damaged and Frail. Weak and pissy.

I should go to therapy.

Spewing Nonsensical Bullcrap

People tend to play different roles depending on the people they're around or the circumstances they are in.
Duh.

Ex. Siblingsthink I'm an immature baby and when they're asked if they know anyone for me, the bastard that is my brother yells, Why is she dating! She's not ready to get married!
Point taken, ahole brother, but does the entire state of Jersey have to hear your opinion on every f-in thing that you deem to be fact.
I know why it pissed me off so much. He's probably right.

I'll be 35 years old, imbued with multiple responsibilities (hopefully) and I'll still be the immature baby.

With my friends, I'm the brooding, pissed off, holier than thou, anti-social soul - a role I uphold, and take to very strongly.

To others;acquaintances and the general dipshit population, I am perceived to be immature and mindless, (echoing my brother's glowing opinion of me).

This all seems quite interesting, I'm sure.. but why must I state the obvious, folks?
Because Dating is a SHAM.
It's a load of hooey.
A non-paying acting job.

I act happy, I sound well-spoken, and appear even slightly elitist.
It's joyful. Really.

Buncha crapass fakeness

The wonderful mood I'm in, might have everything to do with the wonderful change of plans and the general downward spiral my life has taken.


God is really forsaking me this time... I got it. I'm a bad Jew.

But really God, some help here.

And get the decent Irish Catholic boy outta my life please. He's making it too complicated for me to handle.