So I'm sitting here, waiting for a friend to pick me up so we can study @ our Collegiate makom of hard work...

Decided to make use of the 10 +/- minutes before I hear the familiar honk..

I realized, blog friends, that it has been nearly a yr since I have begun this blog. (that any grammar nazi would enjoy) A blog that is clearly as fragmented and erratic as its author. A blog that has only consisted of rants, ridiculous whining, and pointless posts.

This is my third blog in the course of 2 years. My first was the most freaking depressing website you will never see. I have long deleted it, and was unaware that anyone had seen it, till ZJ noted that he had. It's gone now. Into the oblivion... along with (hopefully), those thoughts and feelings of the time. Different place, different time, same person, same situation, new dealing methods I suppose.

I haven't really grown up in a year.

I still have zero career goals
very little religious direction
poor study habits
a conflicted social life
way too many focused friends.
Still want to move out of the house\still no connection with the older sibs
still aimless and goaless (must be repeated to get myself thinkiung of course),
still confused why all my friends are engaged, married, dating, popping out babies
still not fitting into the Flatbush/Midwood stereotype.
Still scared I won't get married while my parents are still living
still scared of life in general.

This weekend, camp started. I'm not there this yr, thank g-d, but it reminds me of where I was when I started this blog. Wow. What a waste of a year! I'm turning 20 in a month and I have never been more depressed about a birthday. I have friends with babies, friends who are graduating college with gaurenteed jobs. Friends who are dating, friends who are about to get engaged.

I am so behind in life.

Some new experiences of the yr:
My first long term relationship.
My first (and last) time having a true social circle.
My first Muslem friend. (friend to be interpreted loosely - I'm sure she wants me dead)
My first trip (more than 5 days anyway) to Israel.
My first time chilling in the city's most awesome tourist spots.
My first time driving on upstate highways.
My first drinking experience.
My first time @ a casino. (slots, just slots)
My first non Jewish friends
My first time doing a truly unselfish job.
My first time standing up to a paid city lawyer. (long story)

In any case, I'm feeling my age - old fart that i am. I've been on this world for 20 years and I can't tell you much of what I've learned from my life experience. I just went with the flow for 16 yrs. I'm not blaming my hs for keeping me insulated and stupid, but someone/thing is to blame. Wait, that's me again. I'm not saying that if I went to Flatbush or Ramaz I would be a better person, but then again, knowledge is power. I was never motivated to open up books on political theory or the atomic bomb and discover new things for myself. I find myself lacking in worldly knowledge and I've been trying to read up a storm, learning for my own personal wellbeing.

I'm below avg in brains, looks and status. I am a depressed soul. I have low self esteem. I am confused religiously, which really encompasses my waking hours. 17 yrs in Yeshiva and I'm confused. Wait, I hated school, didn't listen to anything they were teaching me and studied only for the grade. I just didn't care for so many darn years.

I care now, and I get more depressed thinking about all that wasted time.