Lost

Regret Regret Regret

2008-01-21T02:24:00.000-05:00

OMG. I wonder if I'm only the person who's done things that are so insanely thoughtless and stupid, that I wish I could erase that time pd from my memory.

Can guilt make someone ill? Or that is that my hangover from one appletini?
Either way, weekend away was pleasant-ish.. and I really wish I could take back 5 yrs ago.

Guilt and embarrassment is totally making me sick @ 2.30am.

ugh.

Glen Hansard

2008-01-04T01:58:00.001-05:00

His music is so good, it hurts. You have to hear this.

Made me laugh

2007-12-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

Metropolitan Diary - NYTIMES

DEAR DIARY,

As I was riding the Q recently to meet a friend, I idly pulled my ponytail out and ran my fingers through my hair.

A man behind me leaned around and said, “Your hair looks just fine. It looks good.”

I laughed and said, “Thank you; your hair looks good, too.”

We chatted a bit and he eventually asked me very politely, “Are you married?” I said no.

“How is that? A fine lady like you?”

“It just happens that way sometimes.”

“No man got lucky enough, huh?” I laughed again.

“So would I be able to get hold of you?” He had been polite, so I politely answered, “I’m not interested in being gotten hold of just now.”

“You’re not interested in a relationship at this point in your life?”

“Nope.”

He seemed to understand and turned back around.

After a minute he turned to me again: “Well, can I have a dollar?”Kim Hewitt

baaad bookmooch

2007-09-25T00:41:00.000-04:00

Finding myself having an awful sense of humor, I did not find The Virgin Suicides as entertaining as everyone made it out to be.

I found it certifiably depressing (shocker) and haunting. And a little moronic - added bonus.

Current mood: Depressed. yuck

Happy Hut- Holiday

Yehudiya

2007-07-16T02:37:00.000-04:00

Over the course of my life, I've met two pp whose non-cynical views on religion have made a (thus far) lasting impression on me.

It's tough sometimes, being lazy and all, not wanting to pick up a siddur and daven, not knowing whether there's someone, something on the other side.

It's true I've never really thought of myself as having an issue with belief, but then i started hanging out with this one asshole who questioned everything.

He's an average ex-yeshiva kid, stopped wearing the black hat post-hs, working in accounting, and he's young. Which most definitely accounts for his devil no care, cynical, daniel? downer view on religion. He's questioned everything I believe in regarding religion, and I can no longer say I have complete Emunah. And trying to turn the clock backwards is proving to be a struggle.

Over vacation this year, in a totally non-spiritually conducive local, I spoke with this great, great kid, who's every other word, was b"h. Complete 180 from Mr. cynical.

"I'm in school now, b"h, I'm here with my family, b"h, I"m going to Israel to join a combat unit, b"H"

So Lost, obviously being intrigued by this (ridiculously good looking) really religious fellow, starting shmoozing with the antithesis of cynical. He loooves Yiddishkeit. He wants to learn for the rest of his life. Everything he does is for G-d. Eating, sleeping, working out, going to the army.

I thought he was totally loony.
"Mr. Gorgeous Jew, you know most pp I know, and our age especially, are either completely cynical when it comes to religion, or apathetic."

"I know, they don't see how beautiful the Torah is, and how beautiful Yiddishkeit is."

Oy. When I'm looking for Mr. MO, middle of the road religious, I find him instead.

Never really got to speak to him, and ask him all the questions I would've wanted to, either way I think speaking to him would be a bad idea. I'm too negative and cynical to be around sunny pp like him.

Inspiration #2 is in the form of a neighbor, him and his wife are baal teshuvot and friends of my parents for a couple of years now.
When we walk home from Shul, he's always hocking about the gadlus of nature, how I should get married, how the Shabbos should be sanctified.

Everyone just smiles, mumbles under their breath incoherently... baal tshuvot.

This past shabbos, he started talking about Emunah, and I started walking faster towards home,... "LOOST, Emunah is the cornerstone of the world, you have to take a step back when you're davening and think about how you're praying before the creator of the universe, the artist of our world."

"Mr. Neighbor, what would say to one who is a cynic, who doesn't believe there is a gd? Who doesn't trust in a gd?"

"That's what Gateways is about, lost."

And I'm off.

Honesty Box

2007-06-13T14:10:00.000-04:00

new application on facebook has founded a revelation.

I have a frail personality.

wtf?

Well of course, but it's that obvious?

Darn. Damaged and Frail. Weak and pissy.

I should go to therapy.

Spewing Nonsensical Bullcrap

2007-06-06T01:25:00.001-04:00

People tend to play different roles depending on the people they're around or the circumstances they are in.
Duh.

Ex. Siblingsthink I'm an immature baby and when they're asked if they know anyone for me, the bastard that is my brother yells, Why is she dating! She's not ready to get married!
Point taken, ahole brother, but does the entire state of Jersey have to hear your opinion on every f-in thing that you deem to be fact.
I know why it pissed me off so much. He's probably right.

I'll be 35 years old, imbued with multiple responsibilities (hopefully) and I'll still be the immature baby.

With my friends, I'm the brooding, pissed off, holier than thou, anti-social soul - a role I uphold, and take to very strongly.

To others;acquaintances and the general dipshit population, I am perceived to be immature and mindless, (echoing my brother's glowing opinion of me).

This all seems quite interesting, I'm sure.. but why must I state the obvious, folks?
Because Dating is a SHAM.
It's a load of hooey.
A non-paying acting job.

I act happy, I sound well-spoken, and appear even slightly elitist.
It's joyful. Really.

Buncha crapass fakeness

The wonderful mood I'm in, might have everything to do with the wonderful change of plans and the general downward spiral my life has taken.

God is really forsaking me this time... I got it. I'm a bad Jew.

But really God, some help here.

And get the decent Irish Catholic boy outta my life please. He's making it too complicated for me to handle.

Ridiculously Closer to Self Destruction

2007-05-19T22:19:00.000-04:00

The mantra Finals SUCK never gets old.

Yes I'm a lazy ass.

Don't care, they still suck

It can go either way...

2007-04-18T15:31:00.000-04:00

Post HS, one is open to the world of the 'gentiles'. Their habits, their entertainment, their potty mouths.

Now the question is, do you stick with what you know, or go on to greener pastures?
Sure, we're Jews, we have the Torah, we're so special, la di da. But they're having the fun, they're enjoying life, they're figuring themselves out in a way that Jew girls don't have the leeway to do.

Or, I can become ridiculously involved in the Hillel on campus, go to Makor twice every week and start chilling at the Chabad House in midtown. (Note the lubavitch theme, itt'l come up again)

It's so frightening how open to influence I am.
So which way peeps? Take the high road of faith and religion?
Watch R. Dawkins till I turn blue in the face?
Or have my fun for 5+ years and do a turnaround?

Jumping up and down, clicking my boots energetically, and praying really hard

2007-02-22T10:08:00.000-05:00

So the shidduch system sucks... I'm officially a statistic (half my hs class is married)

But I'm setting up my friend!!! No one told me how excitingly awesome this was going to be! I (obviously) think they're going to get married b4 the next new moon, and they're ridiculously perfect for each other.

and thus far, they've spoken on the phone.

We're getting there.....

OnlySimchas is brilliant

2007-01-04T11:56:00.000-05:00

Every girl is supposed to check onlysimchas obsessively. Lately, it's been a boy thing as well. Such fodder for jokes. Anyway, my daily perusal lead the the very suprising finding of the engagement of an ex.

But not just any ex.
My first ex.
Whew.

It's just insane, all the memories, we were such kids! So innocent and sweet, and sentimental, and we loooved drama. And it was high school. Eleventh grade. I was 16. He was 17. The last time I saw him, I was 17. The last time we spoke was a year and half ago. Trust me to remember these things.

Awwwww. This is all so lame, but we made a promise that we would tell each other before we got engaged. I remembered that promise. I was planning on keeping that promise. How lame, right. I'm usually not such an oddly sentimental person. I dunno what's wrong with me.

He probably dated the girl for 2 weeks. :-) I'm really happy for him though. Really truly, with my whole heart, estactically excited for him. Yay. Now G-d, get me married.

I need to get out more

2006-12-22T02:05:00.000-05:00

I loved my night. I went out.

Ice skating, and eating and comedy club. Typical Jew night, but it was fun, and I think someone spiked my iced tea, so I'm pretty happy right now.

In 2 weeks, itt'l all be over

2006-12-06T11:27:00.000-05:00

My semester has been interesting.

I've seen three of my friends get married. All very happy.

I've seen two of my friends fall into bad habits. Drinking, smoking (the good stuff) , random piercings, therapists, random drugs.

I've lost a friend or two.

And me? I've become pretty self reliant. Sure life is a drag, but me and my wonderful attitude will get through it all somehow.

I'm graduating in a year and I'm planning on moving to Israel for 5 months before grad school. I don't have anything planned. But I want to grow up a bit.
College hasn't done it for me.
My retired parents sure as hell aren't helping with that.
I want to learn conversational Hebrew.
I want to marry an Israeli. *gasp*
I want to disappear
and start over.

Att: CD

2006-11-17T02:44:00.000-05:00

As my sole reader, I direct this post to you. and only you. cuz i love having one frequent reader.

Why does G-d make life so hard for some pp?

Why can't someone buy me a car?

Why do aufrufs and shabbos kallahs exist?

Is there a specific purpose behind Jewish marriages?

Why do some pp have such a strong hold on life while others are completely... lost?

That's all for now.

I expect answers post weekend! After my Shabbos Kallah in yuhupitz.

Thanks.

2006-11-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

The Palestinian foreign minister yesterday agreed to an international peace conference with Israel — the first time the Hamas-led government has indicated it would consider making amends with the Jewish state. - The Herald, Nov 13, 2006

I was born with a huge disadvantage. Something that will color the way I look at the Israeli/Arab conflict for the rest of days. Other people can be objective and forgiving, but I find that I simply can not handle these ludicrous headlines popping up every couple of years. I have an Israeli parent and my viewpoint will forever be skewed and farkoked.

I'm sure this novel idea was announced quite by coincidence right when Olmert arrived to the States to discuss our policy with Bush. Coincidence. Argh.

O and for an interesting opinion piece on religion, make sure to check out Elton John in the Observer. Poor angry gay English pop star. You can't really blame him.

Your connection to Kashmir...

2006-11-07T20:44:00.000-05:00

You won't be sorry...

And the saga does not end

2006-11-05T22:42:00.000-05:00

Subject:
Jonathan Safran Foer

Great photo -- we're going to run it as one of our rotating banners this week for our LITERATURE issue. Of course we'll credit you as the photographer and put your flickr account there too.

Again -- compliments, amazing work.

Cheers,
Andrew Bast
Publisher
www.nyinquirer.com

Life is Weeeeird.

Happiness: If P than Q analysis

2006-10-23T01:48:00.000-04:00

They say happiness makes a person live longer.

(read in Ben Stein professor mode)

Happiness is an emotional or affective state that feels good or pleasing. Overlapping states or experiences associated with happiness include wellbeing, joy, sexual pleasure, delight, health, safety, contentment, and love, while contrasting ones include suffering, sadness, grief, anxiety, and pain. Happiness is often correlated to the presence of favorable events (such as a promotion, a marriage, lottery winnings, etc.) and the absence of troubles or bad luck -such as accidents, getting fired, divorce, conflicts, etc.
(reliable source)

ehem.

How to live a life of "happiness?"

Positive attitude.

A positive attitude is acquired when one is high.

scratch that.

A positive attitude comes when one is giddy.

I become giddy when I am hyper...

I am only hyper when I have had my Starbucks beverage of choice.

with 4 shots of expresso.

Caffeine = state of euphoria or happiness.

75% of the pp I know are generally good natured or 'happy' people.

I belong to a minority who calls themselves realists also known as the modern day pessimists.

Pessimists tend to be sarcastic and miserable human beings

Sarcasm does not equal happiness

------> I am screwed.

3am rants

2006-10-17T03:11:00.000-04:00

... I need a new phone.

This is getting serious. I was stuck on a bus for 2.5 hours without texting. and I still have to answer the all important question of 'how do you say 'like' in hebrew.'... eh.

Drunk people are pathetic.

I hate relationships where you have to force yourself to talk to the person.
Shouldn't it be effortless?
Shouldn't I want it to work?

Why are the Republicans going to lose Congress gosh darnit!

Puking

2006-10-04T18:51:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of Bobmedo/Flickr.

Darn

2006-09-22T15:09:00.000-04:00

I got a random text from a friend last night..

Hey, I was just wondering if you've spoken to G-d lately

Darn. I hate (love) these reminders from my friends.

It's unbelievable that I still have people trying to work with me through all my spiritual hurdles.

The Rosh Hashana article to read for those of us who are feeling spritually down...

(aish.com)

Submitting Your Annual Report_
by Sara Yoheved Rigler

This Rosh Hashana, celebrate your spiritual accomplishments.

The latest issue of my Brandeis alumnae magazine devoted two thirds of a page to the success of one graduate of the Class of '87. Her stunning achievement? She is Hollywood's only female sword-master and has become director of theatrical combat at the Beverly Hills Fencers' Club.

How does the magazine editor decide which graduate's career is worthy of highlighting? What criteria of success qualify to make one's alma mater proud? Wealth? Fame? Contribution to society? Uniqueness of profession?

The alumnae themselves are invited to write in to describe their own recent accomplishments. This latest issue, for example, lists these truly noteworthy and hard-won accomplishments:

A.L., class of '91, received her doctor of veterinary medicine degree from Washington State University
J.H., class of '76, was named 2005 Psychologist of the Year by the Florida Psychological Association.
K.P., class of '73, was appointed executive vice president for strategy and ministry development at Catholic Health East.
A.S., class of '82, published a book, Mac Design Out of the Box.

Reading of my fellow alumnae's various achievements, I wondered what a spiritual version of the magazine would look like. After all, a person can be justly proud of getting a degree, a promotion, or an award, but are spiritual achievements any less important? If B.G. is feted because he got a promotion up the corporate ladder, shouldn't he be feted for becoming a kinder person this year? If N.H. is congratulated for getting a post-doc degree, shouldn't she be congratulated that she stopped yelling at her kids?

According to Judaism, the measuring rod of significance in life is a spiritual barometer. Thus, when N.H. gets that post-doc degree, from a Jewish standpoint she deserves congratulations because she exhibited the qualities of industriousness and perseverance to earn the degree. And if these qualities did not come naturally to her, she deserves even more accolades.

Contrary to popular perception, wealth, fame, and success are gifts from God, Who endows people with talent, intelligence, and specific aptitudes.

My book Holy Woman, which was published in May, just went into its fourth printing. Recently someone asked me, "You must be really proud to have written a bestselling book."

I replied, "Not really. Most of the ingredients of the bestseller -- my writing talent, my becoming acquainted such an amazing woman to write about, my access to the right people to interview [three of whom died a few months after the interview] -- all that came from God. My response is less pride than gratitude. But when I exercise enough self-discipline to get to bed on time, then I feel really proud."

THE YEARLY ISSUE

My alumnae magazine comes out four times a year. Its spiritual counterpart, which really does exist, has only one issue per year: the Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur issue. This is the time for all of us to reflect on and assess our spiritual accomplishments and failures. This is the time for our annual report.

While my alumnae magazine prints only those reports submitted by proud alumnae, its spiritual counterpart features a report by every one of us without exception. As the High Holy Day liturgy puts it: "The signature of every person's hand is in it."

And if, as Rosh Hashana draws near, we realize to our chagrin that we have few spiritual achievements to report, it's still not too late. The ten days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, called "The Ten Days of Repentance," are an ideal time to score some spiritual goals. The deadline for submissions to our spiritual alum magazine is Yom Kippur.

PROGRESS REPORT

From an alumnae magazine, we can learn two important spiritual lessons. The first is: Idealize upward movement.

Alumnae generally report new jobs, promotions, recently awarded distinctions, etc. Similarly, in our spiritual lives we should strive to constantly reach new levels. V.N. would be embarrassed to report: "I'm working at the same mid-level job I've had for the last 15 years." So why shouldn't V.N. be embarrassed to admit, "The same things that ticked me off 15 years ago still make me ballistic"?

J.H. would be loathe to submit for the 2006 issue, "I was named the 1995 Psychologist of the Year by the Florida Psychological Association." Yet how often when we search for our spiritual accomplishments do we revert to, "I started eating kosher 11 years ago." When we stand before God on the High Holy Days, God wants to hear about how we grew, changed, and progressed this year.

The key word here is "progressed." Spiritual achievement means that you're better in a particular character trait or mitzvah than you were last year. "More of the same" doesn't cut it.

So, if you are by nature and habit generous, reporting, "I gave $10,000 to Yad Eliezer for food distribution in Northern Israeli bomb shelters during the recent war," may not be at all impressive, because God is interested only in progress reports.

Let's say, on the other hand, you are by nature tight-fisted, never give to charity, and always throw out all your junk mail charity solicitations without even opening them. One day this August on your way between your mailbox and the trash basket, you noticed that one envelope was from Yad Eliezer and emblazoned on it were the words, "HELP ISRAEL'S NORTHERN RESIDENTS." You opened the envelope, read the appeal, and battled with yourself about whether to donate money. Finally, you decided to help, and wrote a check for $25. That's a spiritual victory!

Here's where the spiritual sword master comes in. All spiritual progress is a victory of one's higher inclinations (the soul) over one's lower inclinations (called the yetzer hara). Where there is no duel between these two rivals, there is no victory. Doing what comes naturally or what you do habitually is not a spiritual achievement. It doesn't qualify for the spiritual alum magazine.

That's why I feel prouder about getting to bed on time (in order not to be cranky the next day) than about writing a bestselling book. Writing comes easily to me. There's no battle involved, and therefore no victory. Getting to bed early enough to get a good night's sleep (a key to spiritual success), however, is a nightly fencing match with my yetzer hara. In collusion with my addiction to "getting one more thing done," it seduces me with temptations such as, "Just unload the dishwasher, so you can wake up to a clean sink." When I exercise enough self discipline to overcome its blandishments, I achieve a hard-won victory. I have to keep my sword to the yetzer's throat until the moment I turn out the light.

VALIDATING VICTORY

The second profound lesson we can learn from an alumnae magazine is: Validate every accomplishment.

One of the greatest detriments to spiritual growth is our minimizing of our spiritual victories. K.W. is proud to report that she got her M.D. from Middlesex School of Medicine. So what that it wasn't Harvard Med! Yet most of us downplay our spiritual accomplishments: "So, I didn't yell at the kids this time, but I yelled at them twice yesterday." "So I let someone into the supermarket line ahead of me, even though I was also pressed for time. What's the big deal?"

We know that the best way to educate our children is with positive reinforcement. If we want our child to sit still when eating, we have to reinforce every three minutes she sits still, heaping on her attention and praise. Why, then, are we so remiss with reinforcing our own desirable behaviors?

When we face off with our yetzer hara, we have to be the home team. When a home team football player scores five yards, the fans cheer wildly. They don't pooh-pooh it, saying, "It was only five yards. It wasn't a touchdown." The more we cheer for our spiritual victories, the more victories we'll score.

Your mother pushed your button and you didn't snap back at her? Hurray! Bring out the band! Your co-worker at the water cooler started to gossip, and you changed the subject? Bravo! Give yourself a mental bouquet of roses!

These feats deserve at least as much recognition as becoming the first female sword-master in Hollywood.

As Rosh Hashana approaches, sit down and make a list of all the ways you've grown and improved this year. Don't consider any accomplishment too small. Then resolve to make new strides in the new year -- not giant leaps, but small, consistent steps.

There is no such thing as an insignificant spiritual victory. Emblazon that motto on your desk and start cheering!

Author Biography:

Sara Yoheved Rigler is a graduate of Brandeis University. Her spiritual journey took her to India and through fifteen years of teaching Vedanta philosophy and meditation. Since 1985, she has been practicing Torah Judaism. A writer, she resides in the Old City of Jerusalem with her husband and children. Her articles have appeared in: Jewish Women Speak about Jewish Matters, Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul, and Heaven on Earth.

Sara Yoheved Rigler's bestseller, Holy Woman, has just gone into its fourth printing since it was published three months ago.

"Like all of Sara Rigler's writing, Holywoman is powerful, page after page. Its effect on my priorities and my attitudes has been profound. To read it is to undergo a life-changing experience." -- Sarah Shapiro, author

The obligatory Happy New Year post

2006-09-21T00:16:00.000-04:00

We pass.

We smirk

We move on.

That's life, isn't it? So fleeting.

What in the world can we do to make our mark on this world?

I'm just focusing on getting through the day without any major meltdowns.

School, work, socializing, not.

Life is all so routine, all of it. I go to school, do my bit there, make small talk with the cute Russian in that class, the Jewgirl in the other, meet Rikki for a meet and greet, and then bail to do some school work. And the long night begins... the internet, the phone, the texting, the trillian-ing, the yelling from the rents, the awkwardness....

And there are those moments that, when you look back and smirk.

and it's all worth it.

The routine has a little fun mixed in... What can I say, I just live for weekends.

I hope this year is smirk worthy.

Happy Praying.

Wikipedia

2006-09-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

Unbelievabely useful, exhaustive, sometimes quite hysterical.

My favorites of the day:
Andy Warhol
Misandry

Art Found!

2006-09-13T21:07:00.000-04:00

I took my first and only art class in 2004.
Hell Raising Haggarty was pretty pissed @ the vandals who stole Munch's 2 paintings...
He imparted a bit of that anger to the five of us who showed up to that class.

It's been found! a month ago! I'm slow on the news.

The Scream

Life is moving too fast

2006-09-13T19:58:00.000-04:00

My bf is getting engaged.

I'm happy. O so darn happy.
Joy to f-ing free world.

o yea.

Why now? Why when we're so young and carefree? Why to him?

I'm not jealous, but I think she's being pressured into it.

I was having the boredom issue, but I guess that's over. Time to plan the showers.

Best Week Ever!!

2006-09-01T02:27:00.000-04:00

My little dirty secret. I actually watch the Vh1 time filler.
It's a total waste of time. But this summer aka too much free time, I spent many hours in front of the boob tube, enjoying new MTV ridiculousities, (Laguna Beach 2 *girly scream*)

Summer was a time for loneliness. Or, getting to know yourself better. My friends are losers who have real full time jobs, so me and ran. t. Bemoaned in the loneliness and watched losta movies.
I also screwed up my sched yet again. Which is why I'm up @ 2.30 in the morning, refreshing course sched page once every 90 minutes. Oh the pleasures.

Brief Rants:

I hate AviadCohen. (.com) He's unfortunately all over google video, his Hofstra degree is obviously good for nothin, because he sounds like a rambling idiot.

um. I'm forgiven for the above accusation. I have license. tis my blog. He's on google and yapping that Jesus does not approve of premarital sex. So now he's the one that came up with the brilliant idea. Whenever I find these J4J pp, (Bob Mendelsohn.... shout out from the ortho w/ no name!) I become this fierce maccabi, defender of Judaism, it's great. They should come back soon.

Next on the List,
I am sorely disappointed "It's all gone, Pete Tong" wasn't based on a true story. How flippin awesome was that movie? I am a Pancha fan forever.

Onto the sitemeter.

Well, the sitemeter sucks. Obviously. That's that.

and I'm too tired to sound my age, so I'll just stop right aboooouuuuuuuut

...
.....
........

here.

Onto the weekend.

Minus the coats,

2006-08-24T03:36:00.000-04:00

I can't wait to go back....

Boredom

2006-08-22T17:49:00.000-04:00

I hate vacation.
Truly.
I hate school too, but this limbo thing is killing me.

No one's around, cuz everyone was smart enough to make plans prior to limbo, and my one hanger outer is in vegas.

Sucks.

River to River anyone?

300

2006-08-08T01:02:00.000-04:00

Saved.

Not the movie, but stored in the archive for future viewing pleasure.

See, I used to have 2 random flyby visitors. It was nice. Random thoughtless comments, but nothing too intrusive.

Then, the scandal.

requisite *gasp!*

They found it.

ZJ has much experience with this, but instead of changing the address yet again, I decided to archive and start anew.

Create a blog full of purpose and sunny days.

Who the crap am I kidding.

Deadbeat ouuut.

Mia

2006-08-07T00:36:00.000-04:00

to MIA.

I LOVE:

Flickr

Facebook

my mother

Big Bro

Big Nef

Keane

AFI

mini ipod

Silence

Alone time

Drama

Reading

Water

Fleeting Moments

The Jewish People

The Golan Heights

G-d.

Peace.

LOVE.

2006-06-25T11:56:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here, waiting for a friend to pick me up so we can study @ our Collegiate makom of hard work...

Decided to make use of the 10 +/- minutes before I hear the familiar honk..

I realized, blog friends, that it has been nearly a yr since I have begun this blog. (that any grammar nazi would enjoy) A blog that is clearly as fragmented and erratic as its author. A blog that has only consisted of rants, ridiculous whining, and pointless posts.

This is my third blog in the course of 2 years. My first was the most freaking depressing website you will never see. I have long deleted it, and was unaware that anyone had seen it, till ZJ noted that he had. It's gone now. Into the oblivion... along with (hopefully), those thoughts and feelings of the time. Different place, different time, same person, same situation, new dealing methods I suppose.

I haven't really grown up in a year.

I still have zero career goals
very little religious direction
poor study habits
a conflicted social life
way too many focused friends.
Still want to move out of the house\still no connection with the older sibs
still aimless and goaless (must be repeated to get myself thinkiung of course),
still confused why all my friends are engaged, married, dating, popping out babies
still not fitting into the Flatbush/Midwood stereotype.
Still scared I won't get married while my parents are still living
still scared of life in general.

This weekend, camp started. I'm not there this yr, thank g-d, but it reminds me of where I was when I started this blog. Wow. What a waste of a year! I'm turning 20 in a month and I have never been more depressed about a birthday. I have friends with babies, friends who are graduating college with gaurenteed jobs. Friends who are dating, friends who are about to get engaged.

I am so behind in life.

Some new experiences of the yr:
My first long term relationship.
My first (and last) time having a true social circle.
My first Muslem friend. (friend to be interpreted loosely - I'm sure she wants me dead)
My first trip (more than 5 days anyway) to Israel.
My first time chilling in the city's most awesome tourist spots.
My first time driving on upstate highways.
My first drinking experience.
My first time @ a casino. (slots, just slots)
My first non Jewish friends
My first time doing a truly unselfish job.
My first time standing up to a paid city lawyer. (long story)

In any case, I'm feeling my age - old fart that i am. I've been on this world for 20 years and I can't tell you much of what I've learned from my life experience. I just went with the flow for 16 yrs. I'm not blaming my hs for keeping me insulated and stupid, but someone/thing is to blame. Wait, that's me again. I'm not saying that if I went to Flatbush or Ramaz I would be a better person, but then again, knowledge is power. I was never motivated to open up books on political theory or the atomic bomb and discover new things for myself. I find myself lacking in worldly knowledge and I've been trying to read up a storm, learning for my own personal wellbeing.

I'm below avg in brains, looks and status. I am a depressed soul. I have low self esteem. I am confused religiously, which really encompasses my waking hours. 17 yrs in Yeshiva and I'm confused. Wait, I hated school, didn't listen to anything they were teaching me and studied only for the grade. I just didn't care for so many darn years.

I care now, and I get more depressed thinking about all that wasted time.